Rebirth

Like a pheonix rising from the ashes... that is what I picture. A day when I can shed this old, hardened skin and enter the life I was meant to live. Doing what I was meant to do. Being who I was meant to be. Loving as I want to love....
I went to see a naturopath and while I came to talk about my myriad aches and pains, hair loss and fatigue, the coversation quickly shifted to my very full plate and excessive level of stress. And most importantly, my feeling of helplessness - of not being able to actualize in my relationship or my career. Things he could not wave a wand and take away. Things I would have to learn to live through instead of jumping over and ignoring. Learning to lower my reactivity - meditation, yoga, positive affirmations and a slowing of my heart rate through biofeedback techniques. He asked me if I'd come there to test him as I already knew what I had to do and what I needed. Maybe I just needed confirmation or maybe I was looking for someone to show me an easier, more direct route.
I am fixated on the year 2011. The year I want to move into my dream house, in a warm climate, and pursue a career that is meaningful to me. Just the thought of it makes me smile. The thought that life will not always be like this. That I will not always be trapped like a caged animal beating the bars of my cage and then trying to find peace and quiet in solitary rituals in the corner.
I long for friendship - true female friendship. I long for romance and real love in a healthy relationship. I long to meet people, make a difference in their lives through teaching something I feel passionate about as my career - the kind of career I once had, when I never cared about the paycheck. I want to see my children blossom, grow, be happy. I want to be free... to take a class, to go out dancing, to chat with a girlfriend over coffee, free to choose, free to be. Most of all free to feel.