The Only Certainty About Cancer is its Uncertainty

I heard that quote from Farrah Fawcet, who is struggling with cancer herself and it hit home. I know that for me, uncertainty has always been extremely hard to deal with. So much so that I have often preemptively run away from something that could have turned out great simply because I couldn't guarantee that it would... So with the cancer struggle, it almost seems easier for me to live as though Mark will die quickly than to live in his mental world which has him beating the odds and living a normal length of life. That latter world requires too much hope and faith in the uncertain - all of which could come crashing down. Why is uncertainty and believing in the slim window of possibility so hard for me?

I know that when Mark and I dated, his initial ambivalence added to the long-distance nature of the relationship were devastating for me to wrap my head around. The wait and see, live in the moment, not knowing where we stand torture of a dating relationship was always a white-knuckle effort for me, waiting for the certainty of marriage or not, cement, concrete certainty. From the outside looking in, I wish I had just enjoyed the moment long enough to really learn about Mark and who he was without the chains of marraige. Putting cancer aside, I wish I had really understood him, delved into the creases and been open-minded and not goal-minded. But here I am, goal long ago achieved and again living in a quagmire of uncertain torture. But this time the stakes are very different. I have learned things about Mark that make me shudder. I have learned things about Mark that undoubtedly would have caused me not to marry him at all. And now I am sitting in the uncertainty of whether he will live or die. And whether I will be here as his wife for either event. There have been so many times I wanted it all to go away. His online cheating, his secret financial mess, his angry intrusive family, and most of all his cancer. And then there are times that I'm willing to stand in the uncertainty just for today. To see in him what I saw back when we were dating. The innocence of that friendship, the simpleness of it all. And I see his weakened body and I know if I were living in that body and if I was facing the uncertainty of illness and death, I would want someone in my uncertainty too. And I know Mark would stand in it - feet firmly planted.