Cancer Soap Opera, Take Five

Since the day Mark was first diagnosed, we seemed to be riding a roller coaster with twists and turns neither of us could possibly foresee. He was first told he had 4 tumors in his liver and then the doctor told us a day later with 90% certainty that he only had 1, which is a very different prognosis and was cause to rejoice....but not for long. Some days later, we learned there were more - 3, maybe 4. After surgery was complete, we learned he indeed had 4 tumors in his liver along with tremendous lymph node involvement - all very poor prognosticators within the band of possibilities for someone with stage IV colon cancer. But we thought, at least he's tumor-free after the surgery and we can just focus on the remaining rounds of chemo and hopefully an extensive period of remission before any dreaded recurrences. Until yesterday.... when we learned that even though Mark is undergoing an onslaught of direct liver infusion chemotherapy and systemic chemotherapy, at least 2 and possibly 3 new tumors grew in his liver during the post-surgery recuperation period. Astounding. I had never even considered that possibility. Another ufortunate twist in the round in which we try to wrap our heads around this new diabolical plot and make peace with it somehow, always finding a silver lining of some sort. For Mark, he is focusing on the fact that those little buggers are shrinking since he restarted chemo. For me, I'm focusing on how healthy Mark looks today - off chemo and making a real effort to be present and help out at home with the children and be available emotionally for me. I don't really think about tomorrow with this disease - it's too unknown and whatever I can imagine, it always throws me one better than my worst case scenario. So, what's the point really?

So, now that I'm back at my law firm, I am sure I can look forward to many more phone calls in which I hear some new frightening twist in the cancer plot, while smiling at the partner standing across from me and making some pseudo-intellectual joke about the TV show he watched last weekend, and then hanging up and resuming my brief about why some corporate giant should get more money from some insurance company giant for some bad thing they did. And so it continues... The good news is that at some point, I will be back in my yoga room, breathing through my belly button and stretching my body into positions I didn't believe possible. And for those moments, the cancer drama will cease to exist inside of me.