Non-Harming Speech and Emotional Reflexes

So lately I've been reading about and thinking about ahimsa, and what that means with respect to speech. In particular, I've found that even after an extremely restful, centering yoga session, I can explode in anger or get extremely riled up, and so my practice is not yet a part of my daily life. I have a lot of work to do to make that happen and I think the only way to create real change is through baby steps.

I think that what I want to reflect on this month, is thinking before I speak. While I understand that anger and other emotions will continue to rise in response to others around me, I want to be more judicious with the actual words spoken in moments of anger. I guess I always feel as though not speaking is toxic since I would swallow the anger. But what I'm coming to understand is that it's more effective to communicate after my strong emotions subside. So this month, I'm going to focus on right speech and not harming through speech. I also want to focus on feeling my emotions with all their intensity during meditations without running away so I'm going to try to meditate when I feel strong emotions surfacing.

Today brought lots of strong emotions. On an upnote, extreme pride and joy at my son's achievements in earning his orange belt in tae kwon do and a superior effort these last few weeks in communicating and listening well in school and at home, helping family members and just being a joy to be around. I fully experienced those emotions and they felt really good.

On a more difficult note, there were all kinds of mixed emotions surrounding the resurfacing of Gideon's biological father, Tomer. I think I'm prone to reenter old emotional space when I'm revisited by characters from the past. As though I reenter the same drama in the same costume I wore during the time I was in a relationship with the person. I become a former me in order to relate. I also notice that I spend a lot of time observing and judgment my words and actions and trying to imagine how that person is perceiving me. Today, I fell into old patterns of trying to help Tomer, change him, lecture him, get him to see the light, hoping he has the ability to be someone he's not ... and feeling the constant pull of varying emotions - compassion, fear, resentment, wanting to believe in him, and needing affirmation that I am more righteous and responsible. These strong emotions drew me into reflexive actions and speech. Raw, old wounds and holes resurfaced. I want to sit with all of this tonight and release it the best I can, for now .... with the goal in sight of some day being able to experience the emotions in a truly present state without acting out reflexively. To tie in ahimsa, I think I inevitably harm both myself and Tomer by entering into old patterns. And this is one area where judicious speech would certainly be in order.