Healing

My brief encounter with Dahn Yoga and Master Im drove home one single, pervasive theme. I don't trust anyone. I really think that everyone is out for something and I doubt everyone's intentions. It's not paranoia - god knows my life has been littered with reasons not to trust. But it's more than that. It's almost like I use it as a shield to prevent anyone from really getting close to me. If I don't trust them then I have a reason to hide, to run, to keep them at bay. And I stay safe, but alone and very very lonely. One thing I noticed with Master Im was that I was desperate for him to reveal the "answer" - the one true answer that would break down the wall and set me free. But I know that the only answer is releasing the fear and the negativity and letting people, emotions, pain, and yes... healing in. But am I ready? I kept thinking tonight as we sat across a little table perched on the kitchen floor sipping tea and trying to come to grips with all that had transpired and what would be no more... that I want what he is offering, but I simply am not ready to accept it now. It was too scary, too changing, too powerful. And that's why I felt good leaving. I am used to feeling alone, feeling scared, wanting to run away and dreaming about - fantasizing in full color about - the next distraction, the next escape. That feels normal. Someone telling me that I am loved and I have the power inside of me to transform my life and find true happiness. That feels insane.

And so... on to South Mountain yoga studio with the rest of the drained, overworked throngs of moms and dads.... for something that feels more natural. Feeling lost and alone.