Journaling my Journey

So I've been very impressed with the number of blogs appearing online lately... from respected authors to well-known holistic health scientists and researchers, and well, it just seems like so much fun! Add to that my life-long love of the written word and all it can inspire and convey to others, and my belief that early morning writing is a wonderful release of the anxieties built up in the silence overnight.... and voila! My journal is born.

As Mark and I have gone through the ups and downs and in-betweens of lots of different emotions regarding his diagnosis and treatment, I've noticed that we've also learned to focus on other things, people, etc. to avoid the pain of really saying or feeling things in the present. We can much more easily focus on Gideon's behavioral difficulties and band together to find him quality therapy than we can really sit down and talk about what we are thinking or feeling about the cancer and its strangle hold on our current life and our fears about what it portends for our future. We can much more easily join forces to lament my mother's most recent antics with the children and her daily diatribes than we can talk about the horrible toll chemotherapy is taking on his body and how we would feel if the cancer came back after chemo is over....

And so, all the more reason for me to put my energies into continuously shifting my focus back to the present through the hard work of journaling, clean food, yoga and meditation. Simply because I know that the hardest part of this disease is the constant unknown... the waiting game... the uncertainty at any given time about what the little invisible monsters are doing inside his body. And because there is nothing I can do today to make that go away, go faster, go slower, or disappear, I want to put my energy into being as whole, peaceful and present as possible. To make sure I do not add to my family's already weighty burden by raging or disconnecting. By ensuring my own peace of mind and body, so my children know that things are okay. This journal is about taking care of myself first, because the demands on me from my children and my husband can be crushing if I don't insist on that. Every day.

What I'm proud of today:
Bio-k probiotics (dairy-free)
Fresh juice: Beet greens, apple, lemon, E3live blue-algae
AM meditation (6 minutes today which was an achievement for me) and stretching
20 min elliptical

Maia's food:
7 oz raw milk
fresh pureed papaya with brown rice and vanilla yogurt
fresh juice: collard green, pineapple and orange
1/4 banana
NAP
5 oz raw milk, 2 oz rice milk
fresh pureed papaya, applesauce, brown rice and vanilla yogurt
slice avocado
6 oz raw milk
BEDTIME