My love-hate relationship with food

When things are good and I am calm... food is the most wonderful, interesting hobby going. Planning and learning new recipes, shopping for fresh food, researching nutrition and wellness topics related to food, and preparing fabulous meals is all part of the pasttime. Seeing a bounty of fresh produce reach the plates and cups of my family members is equally rewarding. But then, there is the other, less spoken about side of food. Food as comfort, as a quasi-drug to help ease uncomfortable feelings. It's an unconscious agreement you make with food - that if your stomach is full enough, it will keep you from feeling anything else. Instead of thinking about the painful things going on in your life, food helps you shift that energy to thinking about the guilt you feel for overeating and the fat you've accumulated on your thighs from your last overindulgence or series of overindulgences. Food is the worst kind of dealer. The one that helps you forget your troubles in the moment free of charge, but sends a hefty bill later.

Food and I have been engaged in this push-pull struggle since my earliest memories at about age 5 or 6. I remember the rush of taking a few forbidden mouthfulls of something sweet or salty when no one was looking. Of course, that small indulgence later led to years of compulsive overeating, body hatred, bulimia and depression. I'm happy to say that I am extremely far removed from my darkest days. Most of the time, food and I are in a comfortable cease-fire. It provides me with nourishment and a steady stream of low-key companionship. But there are certainly days when food seems to beckon with other promises. It still twinkles - not so brightly anymore as I know its powers fall far short of magical - but it still manages to draw me in from time to time.

I hope some day difficult emotions will always be cause for celebration. An invitation to introspection. That my toolchest of self-awareness will be well-stocked and readily available at all times. And food won't need to provide a buffer. But I also know that my journey there will have times of clarity and peace, when I am able to face my emotions and take action in my life that is consistent with my desires, and other times when food still stands waiting, sheepishly grinning and making promises it can't keep.