I slept very well last night. Awoke to morning meditation and a yoga session that was very calm and relaxing. And yet... I'm exhausted. Completely exhausted... eyelids sooo heavy. I imagine my body is exhausted from the mental stress of the last few days. I've found myself bubbling with anger towards Mark. Barely able to look at him. He is suffering so much right now. Not eating, diarrhea constantly, sleeping all day... and yet, somehow I am seething with anger at him in his sick and weary state. And I ask myself all the time... why? Am I angry at him for having cancer? Am I angry at him for choosing to go the conventional treatment route? Am I angry at him for being human and having weakness? I guess it's all of these things.
Once upon time, I imagined that when I remarried, my husband this time around would be my equal - my partner in all things. Smart, able, and ready and willing to function as father, partner and best friend. And overnight, all of that changed. I look at him, and feel cheated. Robbed. I hate that I feel that way because logically, I know that I love him and if I could I would hug him, squeeze him and take away his pain. But I can't do that. I can't take it away and I can't make it better. And maybe that's what I'm angry about... it's something I have to watch helplessly.
I often find that on chemo weeks, I create distance from Mark with a wall of anger or coldness to try to avoid entering that painful space. I avoid looking at him so I can pretend he's not there... he's not suffering. It's not really happening. I think being present, and really making contact with him in this state simply hurts too much.
This was a very raw, honest post. I hope no one finds it offensive.
What I'm proud of today:
Fresh juice: rainbow swiss chard, romaine lettuce, lemon, apples [big glass today]; blue-green algae with water
AM Meditation (6 minutes)
30 min yoga
Maia's food:
2 oz raw milk (she threw her bottle on the floor wanting mommy's green juice!)
fresh juice: rainbow swiss chard, romaine lettuce and apples
1/4 banana, slice strawberry
NAP
6 oz almond milk (going to the farm today to get more raw milk)
sweet potato, plain yogurt and applesauce
NAP (about 15 minutes in the car)
5 oz almond milk
a few spoons mixed cereal
pureed pears
7 oz raw milk
BEDTIME
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4 comments:
Hi, Cindy!
I just found your blog and I thought this post was perfect. Congratulations on the courage and honesty. My father died of cancer two days before my 14th bday and I developed binge-eating disorder from not having allowed myself to mourn or get angry or let out all of the honest-to-goodness feelings I should have. Now, almost 15 years later, I am finally starting to heal myself with raw food and blogging.
Look forward to going thru the rest of your blog!
Lots of love and strength for you and your family!
Andrea
Thanks so much Andrea. My father died of cancer when I was in law school - I was 25 years old. I also suffered from bulimia and binge eating disorder for years and years - probably related to the horrible relationship I had with my dad. I think the recovery process is a wonderful key to unlock so many wonderful gifts - gaining insight and respect for yourself that you might not have had if you hadn't been where you were - which is basically rock bottom (or at least it was for me). I've been working on eating "well" for about the last 8 years, but I really am only now understanding what that means. I'd love to read your blog. Please post the link.
Cindy
hi cindy,
i am 35 and i know what you are struggling with on a daily/chemo basis. my wife (30 yr old) was recently diagnosed (nov 10th) with colon cancer stage IV with met to her liver. she will have her third treatment jan 2. even though her side effects are not as severe as mark's (fingers crossed), although she is in the early stages. i think some of these feelings come from the fact we are so damn young, we got robbed of the potential long loving life together. finding and reading your blog helps me and others to know we are not alone in this. there's a good site that caters to our generation, www.youngcancerspouses.org unfortunately there are too many of us, but on the other hand it's great that there are such resources.
remember to breath and enjoy some cindy-time so you are there for mark, i know how much work all this is.
Wow, Benjamin! What a breath of fresh air your comment was. Thank you so much. It's amazingly comforting to know there are others in my boat. Please stay in touch. I will look at the site you mentioned.
Cindy
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