Rebirth

Like a pheonix rising from the ashes... that is what I picture. A day when I can shed this old, hardened skin and enter the life I was meant to live. Doing what I was meant to do. Being who I was meant to be. Loving as I want to love....
I went to see a naturopath and while I came to talk about my myriad aches and pains, hair loss and fatigue, the coversation quickly shifted to my very full plate and excessive level of stress. And most importantly, my feeling of helplessness - of not being able to actualize in my relationship or my career. Things he could not wave a wand and take away. Things I would have to learn to live through instead of jumping over and ignoring. Learning to lower my reactivity - meditation, yoga, positive affirmations and a slowing of my heart rate through biofeedback techniques. He asked me if I'd come there to test him as I already knew what I had to do and what I needed. Maybe I just needed confirmation or maybe I was looking for someone to show me an easier, more direct route.
I am fixated on the year 2011. The year I want to move into my dream house, in a warm climate, and pursue a career that is meaningful to me. Just the thought of it makes me smile. The thought that life will not always be like this. That I will not always be trapped like a caged animal beating the bars of my cage and then trying to find peace and quiet in solitary rituals in the corner.
I long for friendship - true female friendship. I long for romance and real love in a healthy relationship. I long to meet people, make a difference in their lives through teaching something I feel passionate about as my career - the kind of career I once had, when I never cared about the paycheck. I want to see my children blossom, grow, be happy. I want to be free... to take a class, to go out dancing, to chat with a girlfriend over coffee, free to choose, free to be. Most of all free to feel.

Creating Space

So my goal for this year is to create a personal space that is uniquely my own. A personal space that has richness and brings me happiness. A close friendship, a sacred pasttime, a place to be myself that is not filled with my family's needs.

Family... it's the most wonderful concept in the world and at the same time, can be stifling. We are defined by our families. They make us who we are and they make that identity persist even when we want to change and break free. There are pieces of us caught inside our mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, children. Miniature replicas of parts of us. There's no way to escape that constant reflection of the self. And there's no way to choose them or not choose them - they are there, for better or worse.

Lately, I find myself searching for something outside myself, outside my family, that will provide me the space to grow and change. A place where I'm not haunted by old judgments and harsh reflections. Letting go of pieces of me that dont work and finding new ways to relate to the world. That's what Ive wanted for years. But am I finding the tools to actually achieve it?

Healing

My brief encounter with Dahn Yoga and Master Im drove home one single, pervasive theme. I don't trust anyone. I really think that everyone is out for something and I doubt everyone's intentions. It's not paranoia - god knows my life has been littered with reasons not to trust. But it's more than that. It's almost like I use it as a shield to prevent anyone from really getting close to me. If I don't trust them then I have a reason to hide, to run, to keep them at bay. And I stay safe, but alone and very very lonely. One thing I noticed with Master Im was that I was desperate for him to reveal the "answer" - the one true answer that would break down the wall and set me free. But I know that the only answer is releasing the fear and the negativity and letting people, emotions, pain, and yes... healing in. But am I ready? I kept thinking tonight as we sat across a little table perched on the kitchen floor sipping tea and trying to come to grips with all that had transpired and what would be no more... that I want what he is offering, but I simply am not ready to accept it now. It was too scary, too changing, too powerful. And that's why I felt good leaving. I am used to feeling alone, feeling scared, wanting to run away and dreaming about - fantasizing in full color about - the next distraction, the next escape. That feels normal. Someone telling me that I am loved and I have the power inside of me to transform my life and find true happiness. That feels insane.

And so... on to South Mountain yoga studio with the rest of the drained, overworked throngs of moms and dads.... for something that feels more natural. Feeling lost and alone.

The Only Certainty About Cancer is its Uncertainty

I heard that quote from Farrah Fawcet, who is struggling with cancer herself and it hit home. I know that for me, uncertainty has always been extremely hard to deal with. So much so that I have often preemptively run away from something that could have turned out great simply because I couldn't guarantee that it would... So with the cancer struggle, it almost seems easier for me to live as though Mark will die quickly than to live in his mental world which has him beating the odds and living a normal length of life. That latter world requires too much hope and faith in the uncertain - all of which could come crashing down. Why is uncertainty and believing in the slim window of possibility so hard for me?

I know that when Mark and I dated, his initial ambivalence added to the long-distance nature of the relationship were devastating for me to wrap my head around. The wait and see, live in the moment, not knowing where we stand torture of a dating relationship was always a white-knuckle effort for me, waiting for the certainty of marriage or not, cement, concrete certainty. From the outside looking in, I wish I had just enjoyed the moment long enough to really learn about Mark and who he was without the chains of marraige. Putting cancer aside, I wish I had really understood him, delved into the creases and been open-minded and not goal-minded. But here I am, goal long ago achieved and again living in a quagmire of uncertain torture. But this time the stakes are very different. I have learned things about Mark that make me shudder. I have learned things about Mark that undoubtedly would have caused me not to marry him at all. And now I am sitting in the uncertainty of whether he will live or die. And whether I will be here as his wife for either event. There have been so many times I wanted it all to go away. His online cheating, his secret financial mess, his angry intrusive family, and most of all his cancer. And then there are times that I'm willing to stand in the uncertainty just for today. To see in him what I saw back when we were dating. The innocence of that friendship, the simpleness of it all. And I see his weakened body and I know if I were living in that body and if I was facing the uncertainty of illness and death, I would want someone in my uncertainty too. And I know Mark would stand in it - feet firmly planted.

Letting Go and Moving Forward

So, I've been reading about the Buddhist teachings regarding releasing and letting go of things, relationships, identities, etc. that no longer serve. And it seems particularly important at this point in my life when I'm faced with so much that is new and potentially good. I am trying to look forward. My sense is that if I don't clutter it up with the old, dusty fears and emotions lurking inside of me, if I learn to live and breathe in the present tense, I can look forward to wonderful things in the future. Interestingly enough, this message seems to be coming into my life from several different places. I had a "healing" session with the yogi at my school and through a sea of my tears, he seemed to look inside of me and see what was to be in my life in the future. And to affirm to me that what is inside of me is good and worthy and special. And if I embrace that... truly embrace that... in a way that is not dependent upon anything or anyone to affirm it for me - I think I can truly live it. I am finding that my own fears and insecurities have held me back and resulted in my making bad choices and staying cluttered with things and relationships that no longer served me. And I'm looking forward to a time when I know, simply know, who I am and what I'm about, in a way that powerfully leads me to truly fulfilling experiences and relationships. I took my old job back, but I don't think the old me is sitting at my desk anymore...

Liquid Fast

So when I began reading more holistic nutrition books last year, I noted one very persistent and annoying theme: fasting was a necessary starting point to cleanse the body and truly get well. Baah humbug I said. There was no way I could fast. I've tried it before and I was a holy disaster after a few hours. And anyway, Dr. Oz says fasting isn't really necessary to cleanse. Hee hee. But yesterday, after a week of extreme stress and feeling like my addiction to grains was picking up momentum, I decided to give it a go... never really convinced that I'd get through the whole day. But I did! I did a modified juice/liquid fast that consisted of the following:

AM: fresh orange/tangerine juice
Mid-morning yoga
Mid-day: a few spoons of a smoothie concoction that included sweet pea shoots, avocado, banana, pear, carrots and essential greens powder (It was too sweet so I ended up throwing away about 75% of it)
Mid-afternoon massage (aaaahhhh)
5:00 vegie juice: beet, carrot, cucumber, parsley
6:30 vegetable broth with bok choy

And voila! Now here's the kicker. Not only do I feel monumentally relaxed today, but for the first time in probably 7 years, I slept the entire night - almost 9 hours without waking up. Wahoo!

And so, today, I'm starting off slowly with a vegie juice followed by a fruit smoothie. And then we'll ease back into the wonderful food highway.... lesson learned. A modified liquid feast can do wonders to relax and rejuvenate a tired body and soul... Now granted my first adventure in the liquid feast was a very modest 24 hours. But as Arnold would say... I'll be back!

Silent Screams

This past week has been extremely stressful. There is a tug of war going on at work regarding who I am working for, as well as a tug of war with my former employer over a conflicts waiver. That stress, coupled with the tremendous change in my life of now working outside the house and being away from the kids for 9 hours a day is somewhat overwhelming. Add to that the ever-present, foreboding force of the cancer demons invading Mark's body and the roller coaster of chemo, and you have a recipe for a collosal stress soup.

And I find as the tension grows, my ability to speak is lessening. I am swallowing more. Paralyzed more. Quiet more. Not able to even begin to address the myriad emotions inside of me. I'm haunted by everything Mark has brought into my life in the last two years - infidelity, deceit, and illness. All of it is sitting inside of me like a 100-pound stone lodged deep down in my throat. Words seem helpless to try and describe with any accuracy the wound that stone is causing, as it bears down with each passing day.

I seem to only breathe when I'm away from all of it. In my safe spaces - yoga and massage. And as hard as it is to escape for those precious hours of peace, I am determined to do so. Even when discomfort and guilt rise with each request for time and space. Even when I fully believe I just want to curl up in a ball at home and hide. Those are my lifelines and they rebuild me from the ground up each time I let them. They release some of that crushing weight. At least temporarily. I want to add a chiropractor to my bag of tricks. To open up and release the blockage in my back and shoulders.

Somehow, and in time, I know that my body will heal my mind and heart. If I let it.... If I show up enough and make it a priority. My body holds the key.

My love-hate relationship with food

When things are good and I am calm... food is the most wonderful, interesting hobby going. Planning and learning new recipes, shopping for fresh food, researching nutrition and wellness topics related to food, and preparing fabulous meals is all part of the pasttime. Seeing a bounty of fresh produce reach the plates and cups of my family members is equally rewarding. But then, there is the other, less spoken about side of food. Food as comfort, as a quasi-drug to help ease uncomfortable feelings. It's an unconscious agreement you make with food - that if your stomach is full enough, it will keep you from feeling anything else. Instead of thinking about the painful things going on in your life, food helps you shift that energy to thinking about the guilt you feel for overeating and the fat you've accumulated on your thighs from your last overindulgence or series of overindulgences. Food is the worst kind of dealer. The one that helps you forget your troubles in the moment free of charge, but sends a hefty bill later.

Food and I have been engaged in this push-pull struggle since my earliest memories at about age 5 or 6. I remember the rush of taking a few forbidden mouthfulls of something sweet or salty when no one was looking. Of course, that small indulgence later led to years of compulsive overeating, body hatred, bulimia and depression. I'm happy to say that I am extremely far removed from my darkest days. Most of the time, food and I are in a comfortable cease-fire. It provides me with nourishment and a steady stream of low-key companionship. But there are certainly days when food seems to beckon with other promises. It still twinkles - not so brightly anymore as I know its powers fall far short of magical - but it still manages to draw me in from time to time.

I hope some day difficult emotions will always be cause for celebration. An invitation to introspection. That my toolchest of self-awareness will be well-stocked and readily available at all times. And food won't need to provide a buffer. But I also know that my journey there will have times of clarity and peace, when I am able to face my emotions and take action in my life that is consistent with my desires, and other times when food still stands waiting, sheepishly grinning and making promises it can't keep.

Ambition

So I've finished my first week back at my law firm and it seems appropriate to post about what's been on my mind this week. Ambition. While I was working at home this past year on a mostly full time schedule, my focus was definitely not on work at all. It was a filler - a place holder - a pay check. My focus was clearly and solely on the children and the house, Mark's illness, and my health. Now, things have shifted dramatically. I'm not sure if other working women feel this, but I find that my ambitious self - the one vying for promotions and kudos at work, the one that thrives on speaking events, brief writing and oral motions, is almost a separate person from the one I bring home at night. The two Cindys don't really seem to co-exist in a single body. It's like I have to shut one off to let the other one thrive. And I think most of the time, the ambitious Cindy is frightening to me because it seems to require that I lose all interest in my family and pursuit of a higher self. I know that sounds very black and white. Which is why I'm writing it. To try and find some middle ground. A happy medium where my ambitious self and my mommy, earthy self can happily share a single weary body. To somehow find that elusive balance between a successful career and being an effective, soulful mom and human being. We'll see how that goes.

What I'm proud of today:
Drinking about 24 oz of green lemonade with aloe (trying to wash away the anxiety of this past week in a sea of green). I'm alone at home with the kids this weekend and I want to cherish the time.

Cancer Soap Opera, Take Five

Since the day Mark was first diagnosed, we seemed to be riding a roller coaster with twists and turns neither of us could possibly foresee. He was first told he had 4 tumors in his liver and then the doctor told us a day later with 90% certainty that he only had 1, which is a very different prognosis and was cause to rejoice....but not for long. Some days later, we learned there were more - 3, maybe 4. After surgery was complete, we learned he indeed had 4 tumors in his liver along with tremendous lymph node involvement - all very poor prognosticators within the band of possibilities for someone with stage IV colon cancer. But we thought, at least he's tumor-free after the surgery and we can just focus on the remaining rounds of chemo and hopefully an extensive period of remission before any dreaded recurrences. Until yesterday.... when we learned that even though Mark is undergoing an onslaught of direct liver infusion chemotherapy and systemic chemotherapy, at least 2 and possibly 3 new tumors grew in his liver during the post-surgery recuperation period. Astounding. I had never even considered that possibility. Another ufortunate twist in the round in which we try to wrap our heads around this new diabolical plot and make peace with it somehow, always finding a silver lining of some sort. For Mark, he is focusing on the fact that those little buggers are shrinking since he restarted chemo. For me, I'm focusing on how healthy Mark looks today - off chemo and making a real effort to be present and help out at home with the children and be available emotionally for me. I don't really think about tomorrow with this disease - it's too unknown and whatever I can imagine, it always throws me one better than my worst case scenario. So, what's the point really?

So, now that I'm back at my law firm, I am sure I can look forward to many more phone calls in which I hear some new frightening twist in the cancer plot, while smiling at the partner standing across from me and making some pseudo-intellectual joke about the TV show he watched last weekend, and then hanging up and resuming my brief about why some corporate giant should get more money from some insurance company giant for some bad thing they did. And so it continues... The good news is that at some point, I will be back in my yoga room, breathing through my belly button and stretching my body into positions I didn't believe possible. And for those moments, the cancer drama will cease to exist inside of me.

Non-Harming Speech and Emotional Reflexes

So lately I've been reading about and thinking about ahimsa, and what that means with respect to speech. In particular, I've found that even after an extremely restful, centering yoga session, I can explode in anger or get extremely riled up, and so my practice is not yet a part of my daily life. I have a lot of work to do to make that happen and I think the only way to create real change is through baby steps.

I think that what I want to reflect on this month, is thinking before I speak. While I understand that anger and other emotions will continue to rise in response to others around me, I want to be more judicious with the actual words spoken in moments of anger. I guess I always feel as though not speaking is toxic since I would swallow the anger. But what I'm coming to understand is that it's more effective to communicate after my strong emotions subside. So this month, I'm going to focus on right speech and not harming through speech. I also want to focus on feeling my emotions with all their intensity during meditations without running away so I'm going to try to meditate when I feel strong emotions surfacing.

Today brought lots of strong emotions. On an upnote, extreme pride and joy at my son's achievements in earning his orange belt in tae kwon do and a superior effort these last few weeks in communicating and listening well in school and at home, helping family members and just being a joy to be around. I fully experienced those emotions and they felt really good.

On a more difficult note, there were all kinds of mixed emotions surrounding the resurfacing of Gideon's biological father, Tomer. I think I'm prone to reenter old emotional space when I'm revisited by characters from the past. As though I reenter the same drama in the same costume I wore during the time I was in a relationship with the person. I become a former me in order to relate. I also notice that I spend a lot of time observing and judgment my words and actions and trying to imagine how that person is perceiving me. Today, I fell into old patterns of trying to help Tomer, change him, lecture him, get him to see the light, hoping he has the ability to be someone he's not ... and feeling the constant pull of varying emotions - compassion, fear, resentment, wanting to believe in him, and needing affirmation that I am more righteous and responsible. These strong emotions drew me into reflexive actions and speech. Raw, old wounds and holes resurfaced. I want to sit with all of this tonight and release it the best I can, for now .... with the goal in sight of some day being able to experience the emotions in a truly present state without acting out reflexively. To tie in ahimsa, I think I inevitably harm both myself and Tomer by entering into old patterns. And this is one area where judicious speech would certainly be in order.

Bitter-sweet Home Coming with an Emphasis on Bitter

Florida... 4 days of being in beautiful sunshine, cool breezes, fresh juices all morning long with citrus we picked from the trees in the backyard, and simply maximizing my enjoyment of every available minute. My first day there I exercised and sat in the sauna for so long.... then took a slow, hot shower and even blow-dried my hair (something I never do). Most importantly, I didnt wear a watch or care how long anything took.... Second day started with a magnificent yoga and meditation class which had an unbelievable flow and calming, elongating effect on my body. Then we went to the beach which was simply amazing. I stretched out and layed in the sun, sat in the shade with a book, and walked along the shore. Gideon had the time of his life, and mirrored my calm happy face as he built sand castles, dug in the sand, ran back and forth to the ocean collecting shells and water, and even went all the way in the water (which he's normally terrified of) and played ball with my mom. Then we took a walk along the pier... after nearly 4 hours at the beach, we headed to the pool for a swim and jacuzzi and then took hot showers. Day 3 I took Gideon to the pool for some mommy-son time and he told me I was the nicest mommy in the world :-) Then I took an evening yoga class that was super-relaxing, and went home to a glass of wine and a very nice dinner of wild salmon in a yogurt-herb dressing and steamed asparagus that my mom and I prepared together. Day 4 I got a manicure and pedicure and a deep tissue massage that left my brain and body complete jello. Let me just say that it was an amazing time out. And I'm thrilled I did it.

Then, the homecoming... I walk in the door to find the baby looks glassy-eyed and her forehead is super-hot. I take her temperature and the thermometer shoots to 104 in a matter of seconds... yes, she was running a super-high fever that my doting husband and mother-in-law didn't notice. And who knows for how long. Then Mark walks in, home from chemo, and looking as pale as a ghost with a curled lip and begging, sad eyes that do not hide that he is disgusted, shaky and chilled. And Mark had earlier regailed me with the news that they see more tumor in his liver that apparently the surgeon mistook for cysts. Wonderful. This was all topped off by the baby crying every 20 minutes at night. Each time my eye lids managed to walk me into a dream state, I was abruptly pulled back into what my life is now and the stress level percolated back up inside me, from the pit of my stomach, into my chest and shoulders, and the elongated, peaceful body I came home with was curled back into a familiar angry, hunched over defensive posture. Mad at my fate. Mad at Mark. Just plain mad....

A Much-Needed Time Out

So tomorrow morning, I'm off to sunny Florida to get some much-needed R&R at my mother's place. After much debate, I've decided to take my 6-year old son and leave the baby at home with my husband and mother in law. It was a very difficult decision since I know how badly I need this time out and I don't want any level of unnecessary stress (other than the inevitable stress involved in traveling with my mother). I feel good about taking Gideon though since I know he will enjoy the undivided attention, pool, sun and freedom! As for me, I'm already signed up for yoga classes at the local yoga center, and a day at the spa. Aahhhh!

What I'm proud of today:
Fresh juice: parsley, romaine, apple and lemon
40 minutes yoga

Maia's food today:
6 oz raw milk
Fresh juice: parsley, romaine, tangerine and apple
1 banana
NAP
puree of chicken, peas, carrots and pasta
6 oz raw milk
NAP
grapes
6 oz raw milk
pasta with tomato sauce, zucchini
graham cracker cookie
6 oz raw milk

Finding a way out of the dark

This week I've felt like I was sinking deeper and deeper into a black hole of fear, anger and depression. The last couple of days I feel myself slowly working my way back out of that hole... one baby step at a time. I am learning that the power of the mind is staggering. That right intention leads to right thought and right action. I am reading about the eight limbs of yoga, and in addition to practicing and learning the physical postures, I am going to begin trying to understand and practice the spiritual and mental teachings in my daily life.


What I'm proud of today:
Smoothie: wild blueberries, banana, kale and blue-green algae
20 min elliptical
20 min upper body weights and core
body brushing and self-massage (ayurveda)
PM meditation: 10 minutes

Maia's food today:
6 oz raw milk
1/2 banana
NAP
orange juice
mixed cereal with 1/2 banana and pureed pears
7 oz raw milk
1/2 tangerine
NAP
7 oz raw milk
a few bits of cod and sweet potato, 1/4 apple
graham cracker cookie
6 oz raw milk
BEDTIME